The Demise of Free Time

Last week I met up with a very old friend who I haven’t seen in over a decade. It was a great chance to catch up and hear about the twists and turns our lives have taken since high school. At some point our conversation turned to free time and how much or how little we each had. In a moment of great joy I realized he and I were on the exact same page with regards to our views on parenting. You could call our perspective the ‘old school’ and I will try to explain why.

Since most of my friends have children under ten years old I’ve been able to note some trends among them that I find a little troubling. The main one though is the way none of them seem to have any free time anymore.  By free time I mean time where they can do grown-up things with other grown-ups that aren’t their spouses. The friend I was meeting with last week noted the same phenomenon with some of his other pals. The excuse always seems to be that they just don’t have any free time because their kids are so overwhelming and they can’t leave their wife alone with them for very long. I find myself wanting to ask what would happen if they got hit by a bus tomorrow. Would the kids have to go up for adoption? A good rule of thumb for the parents of one who are thinking about having another is this; if your spouse’s sudden disappearance would mean that you couldn’t handle the kids on your own, maybe you shouldn’t have any more.

This problem does not just affect social time but also seems to directly impact the amount of work one can get done around the house. One friend recently saw my neatly organized garage in our new house and asked, “How do you find the time?” I have some other friends who have had to hire cleaning services for their homes. Still others haven’t taken a trip in years because, “It’s just too exhausting”. I find all of this really hard to swallow.

My wife was recently complimented by someone who realized how much harder it must have been for her when she was a single mother. I’ve gotten similar remarks from people who remember me as a single father and now have kids of their own who they have trouble keeping it up with even with the assistance of a spouse. I guess this proves that successful single parents are even more awesome than we give them credit for (yes, blatant self-compliment there).

As my old friend and I discussed the issue he noted that even now, if he has a project to do or an errand to run or even wants to go to the archery range, he just takes the kids along and expects good behavior. I always did the same. Assembling a piece of furniture? You would be surprised how good kids are at holding small parts until called upon and how good it is for their self-esteem if you attach a slightly exaggerated amount of importance to it. If you’re doing something they can’t help with, there’s nothing wrong with expecting them to sit quietly and read a book or play with some toys. I once painted an entire kitchen with my youngest daughter quietly playing in the next room.

I’m all in favor of letting kids be kids but I note that 100 years ago very young kids were entrusted with much more responsibility than they receive today. A family farm would have relied on children for important tasks like milking, gathering wood or even light cooking. There’s no reason to believe a child of under ten can’t do some basic chores around the house in 2010. I would also mention that this probably makes them much more responsible adults. There’s also no reason to believe they can’t keep themselves entertained for an hour or two when mom or dad has a chore to complete.

Kids are great and I admire involved parents. The only problem these days is that we let our children occupy a greater and greater part of our lives at the expense of other parts that are equally valuable. No matter how much we resist our kids will eventually not need us. It would be a real shame if when that happens we realize that we’ve forgotten how to take some time for ourselves.